My husband of 31 years cheated on me twice and each time he would plead and promise not to betray me again. His second betrayal was with a prostitute. When I filed for divorce, he pleaded with me and asked for a last chance.
Taking into consideration that he takes care of the family and is a responsible person, I gave him a last chance. However, his second infidelity left a dark spot in my heart and despite the fact that I have chosen to stay with him, I still haven't forgiven him.
Will he further respect me despite my giving in to him? Why is he doing things behind my back when he says I am the only one in his heart? Will divorce make him realise that he has wronged me?
Barbara says: Infidelity is devastating and you have already been very forgiving. However, with your acceptance of giving him a last chance, you have made a compromise that you cannot live up to. Your husband needs to know how you feel about that now. Sometimes we think we can bare more than we actually do and if you realise that you haven't forgiven him, you need to communicate that to him.
Allan says: Betraying someone once, swearing it will never happen again and then turning around and doing it again does not show respect. You have given in and he betrayed you and your trust, twice.
He needs to know that you are serious about not tolerating such behaviour or he will continue to treat you and the marriage like a commodity. He is lying to you probably because you allow it, because you want to believe him when he says you are the only one in his heart. And you probably are, otherwise he would not pay for sex but have a girlfriend. However, that doesn't excuse his infidelity.
What you should do: Your husband's betrayal is unacceptable. You have to make him understand that giving in to him twice was more than tolerant and there will not be a third time. Be firm and confident.
However, try to talk to him about your marriage and your individual needs. Give him a chance to explain his behaviour and let him know how you feel about it without sounding as if you are accusing him. When you talk openly about your desires, maybe there is a way you can both work on your shared sexuality in the future. Ask yourself whether divorce is really an option. If it is only for revenge, you should think it over. Do not threaten with it but take it as the last consequence if nothing changes.
