Q My mother-in-law has been staying with us for almost nine years, since my elder girl was born. We began to have conflicts about seven years ago when my younger girl was born.

During that time, my mum passed away and my mother-in-law tried to stop us from attending the funeral. But, my husband and I went anyway.

She also tries to stop us from going to my father's house every year for the Chinese New Year reunion. She pulls a long face when we do.

She has been complaining to her cousins and daughters about me for the past seven years. I really don't know what to do. Some of my friends say I'm too good to her, and others just say I should ignore her. She might change one day. But until then her attitude seems to be: 'You are just the daughter-in-law', which means that I am not really part of the family.

I give her an allowance every month and I always buy her presents on her birthday, Chinese New Year and Mother's Day. But what do I get? Nothing but criticism. She also tells my children how bad their mother is and seems to appear happy when my husband or my girls have arguments with me.

I have a maid to do all the housework and to cook. She doesn't need to do any work at all and can take her morning walks, watch TV and nap. She also goes on holiday every year. Shouldn't she consider herself lucky?

A You sound angry, unhappy and bitter.

I don't quite understand the source of the conflicts.

It sounds like when your younger daughter was born, your mother-in-law wanted you to avoid your mother's funeral but you went anyway. Did you or your husband ask her for her reasons? Did you explain your own actions?

She might have seen your action as rebelling against her. In her mind, you are supposed to obey her and treat her as more important than your own family. Perhaps at that time, she was concerned that since you had just given birth, it was taboo or unhealthy for you to attend a funeral.

This is a 'generation gap' situation. Your mother-in-law's expectations are based on her own generation's ideas of what a daughter-in-law should be like. Your expectations of your own role differs from hers.

I can't change your mother-in-law, and neither can you.

What you can change is your own attitude towards her, and your behaviour towards her. If you wish to, that is.

Have you shared your feelings with your husband? You have not mentioned anything about him, except that he went to your mother's funeral with you, and that he has arguments with you.

He is in a dilemma - torn between his mother and his wife. Thus perhaps he has not done anything to help you resolve your own conflicts.

How are you as a wife?

Sometimes, a mother-in-law may complain about her daughter-in-law because the former thinks the latter is not being a good-enough wife (or at least, in her eyes, what a good wife should be). Sometimes, the complaints stem from jealousy - unfounded fears that the daughter-in-law is taking over the affections of the son.

If you are treating your husband well, then the first source of complaint should not apply to you. If your mother-in-law is jealous, then there are two things you can bear in mind.

One - you married her son, and are treating him well, so you deserve his affection.

Two - encourage your husband to show affection and appreciation for his mother.

How are you as a mother?

Perhaps your mother-in-law expects you to bear a son for your husband and you gave birth to two girls. Again, that's a matter of the generation gap. If she is sore about that, there is nothing you can do but to be a good mother and role model for your daughters.

If you have a secure and happy relationship with your daughters, then you do not have to worry about your mother-in-law's complaints about you to them. You should only worry if you do not spend enough time with your daughters and they are thus not close to you and are susceptible to the negative picture painted of you.

Children are intelligent - able to see for themselves who loves them and are sincere about them.

You must avoid taking revenge. If you tell your daughters to be mean to their grandmother, you will be sowing further seeds of discord. On the other hand, if you tell your daughters to treat their grandmother with respect, despite her complaints, you are being a role model of patience and kindness.

The only boundary is abuse. If you are physically abused, then you need to take a stand. No one needs to accept domestic violence.

Finally, examine your own expectations and disappointments. Perhaps you were wishing your mother-in-law would take over your own mother's nurturing ways. Perhaps you are disappointed that you have not given birth to a boy. Perhaps you are unhappy with your husband. Or perhaps you are not happy with your career. And you are subconsciously venting your frustrations on your mother-in-law.

If you were to create your own happiness and self-worth, you would worry less about your mother-in-law's remarks. You would let her say what she wants, while you stay firm in your belief that you are still a great, caring and capable wife, mother and daughter-in-law.

The writer is author of All Kids R Gifted, a life coach and founder of Wand Inspiration. Her latest inspirational self-help book is Break To Dawn: New Challenges, New Commitments.