Don't blame it all on mum and dad
They f**k you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

- English poet and novelist Philip Larkin, from This Be The Verse

Despite the expletive in the first line, this is one of the best-loved verses among the British. It made the top 100 in a 1995 survey to find 'The Nation's Favourite Poems'.

Why is it so popular? Because it encapsulates very powerfully and very succinctly something we are all acutely aware of. We are, to a large degree, what our parents have made us.

If we are happy, successful, loving and loveable, then it is congratulations to Mum and Dad. But if not - if we are unsuccessful, insecure, frustrated or lonely - then we point the accusing finger at our parents:

If only they'd encouraged me to work harder, I'd be more successful...

If they hadn't pushed me so hard, I'd be less driven...

If they'd been less controlling, I wouldn't feel so frustrated...

If they hadn't cossetted me, I'd be a tougher person...

If it were not for our parents' faults, what wonderful people we would be.

Bertrand Russell: philosopher, parent

Last week, I mentioned the British philosopher Bertrand Russell, who in his 1930 book, The Conquest Of Happiness, said: 'I have found the happiness of parenthood greater than any other that I have experienced.'

In the same book, he wrote: 'The adult who wishes to... provide a happy life for (his children) must reflect deeply upon parenthood and, having reflected, must act wisely.'

Reading this, we might reasonably assume that Russell was a model parent whose lucky children reaped the benefits of his extraordinary intelligence and penetrating wisdom.

Not so.

During their early years, Russell's children, John and Kate, led very happy lives and enjoyed affectionate relations with their parents. But all of this changed when they reached schooling age.

Russell and his wife Dora decided to open their own school where their children could be educated as they thought best. It had about 20 pupils, some of whom were 'problem' children whose parents had difficulty getting them educated elsewhere.

The other pupils picked on John and Kate, believing that they received favourable treatment from their parents. So in an attempt to appear impartial, Russell and his wife distanced themselves from their children, leaving them feeling isolated and abandoned.

In his 1967 autobiography, Russell wrote that the family's early happiness was thereby 'destroyed, and was replaced by awkwardness and embarrassment'.

As an adult, daughter Kate movingly described the effects of the school on her family: 'Those years shattered the crystal of our happiness and left us like jagged splinters, unable to touch one another without wounding.'

All of this despite the best of intentions and the most careful thought on behalf of the parents.

Forgiving one's parents

Self-help books, magazines and websites are full of debate about whether to and how to forgive one's parents (Just try Googling 'forgive parents'). It seems that many adults struggle to forgive parents who were overcontrolling, unaffectionate or in some other way deficient.

Some experts say that forgiving one's parents is essential, that it is the first step towards happiness, self-acceptance and maturity. Others say that forgiveness is optional, and that some parents simply don't deserve it.

Personally, I think that quite a heavy burden falls upon our mothers and fathers. We expect them to love us unconditionally, without judging. Yet as we grow older, we can so easily find ourselves sitting in judgment upon them.

It is true that some parents abuse their children physically or emotionally. In such cases, forgiveness is problematic, perhaps even inappropriate. But I think that the majority of us have loving, albeit imperfect, mothers and fathers. So perhaps we should not judge them too quickly or too harshly.

After all, if we believe that we have the right to blame our faults and failings on our parents, then we must acknowledge that they too are the products of their upbringing. Furthermore, we ought to remember that one day our children will be old enough to pass judgment upon us.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow up they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

Oscar Wilde, from The Picture of Dorian Gray

Gary Hayden
for Mind Your Body

E-mail: gary@garyhayden.co.uk

A freelance writer whose specialisms are: education, science & philosphy, health & wellbeing, travel and short fiction

This is the third of a five-part series on relationships

This story was first published in Mind Your Body, The Straits Times on Feb 27, 2008.