FOR many people, Chinese New Year (CNY) can be a bit of an obstacle course. It almost seems as if everyone wants a piece of you. You cannot do a simple pirouette without coming to a stop in front of someone trying to sell you pineapple tarts; or coming face-to-face with a child with an expectant look in his eyes as he and his parents drop by to "say hello" (read: collect a hongbao); or suffer the crushing crowds in Chinatown or worse, the milliondollar question: "When are you getting married?"
Put simply, you are exhausted just thinking about the two week period.
And as you try to ignore the loud "oinks" in the distance, you wonder how you are going to survive the arrival of the Year of the Pig without losing your mind.
What follows is a carefully crafted survival guide for the coming holidays.
It is not foolproof, but it should at least (hopefully) take out a bit of the sting this season.
1 Decide if you are going to be in town at all during CNY.
Each year, without fail, one of my uncles announces that he will be taking a driving vacation through the south of France and will be uncontactable.
He then checks into a room at the Raffles Hotel and orders room service for two weeks. So if the thought of meeting all your relatives gives you the jitters, take a leaf out of his book and find a hide-out.
2 Hongbaos are a fact of life. It is no use ranting against such a time-honoured tradition - so the sooner you accept it, the less stressed you will be.
And, anyway, it is your fault for caving in to your parents' pressure and getting married in the first place. So, start filling up those red packets.
3 If you are single, it is guaranteed that your relatives will ask you, as they grudgingly hand over a hongbao, when you are getting married.
This year, tell them that you will get married as soon as they stop being so stingy with their hongbaos. Say this loudly in front of the entire family.
Best case scenario: They will never ask you the same questions again. Worst case scenario: You will never be invited to future CNY family reunions.
Either way, it is a win-win situation for you.
4 If you are married, it is certain that your relatives will ask you when you are going to have children.
Tell them you will have one as soon as they promise to help out with hospital, childcare, tuition, dental, life insurance, lodging, food and clothing expenses till the kid turns 18, but judging from the hongbaos they hand out this year, you have serious doubts about their financial situation. Refer to Survival Tip 3 for the possible outcomes.
5 If you are married and a parent, there is not much you can do, except brace yourself for another long and expensive CNY.
6 Develop a mysterious throat condition that prevents you from speaking.
So all you can do is smile apologetically as you collect your hongbao, park yourself by the buffet table and eat in blissful silence, while the rest of your vocally-able single cousins get the marital barrage.
7 Get engaged the week before CNY with a similarly desperate single friend and call it off the day after chap goh meh (the 15th day of the Lunar New Year).
8 Worse comes to worst, just accept that CNY comes only once a year.
Think of it as a yearly scrape-and-clean appointment with the dentist. At least with CNY, someone is actually giving you money in exchange for a few well-meaning jibes about your marital and/or childbearing status.
This article first appeared in The Straits Times on Feb 11, 2007
