I BLAME the TV series Ugly Betty for a problem that a friend recently came to me with.

She teared and sniffled, she revealed over MSN, as one of the characters lay on his deathbed. The character's estranged wife showed up and told him she knew that he would break her heart someday, but that she would walk down the aisle again the next day if he could promise her another 35 years of marriage.

"Wow, that's love," thought my friend, inspired by the kind of romance that can have someone proclaim they'd go through hell and back for someone - and do it again in a heartbeat.

Then she panicked because she didn't think she felt that way about her boyfriend.

There are many different ways of loving someone, I pointed out. And just because she doesn't feel that way about him now doesn't mean that she won't in the future.

Yes, she typed, but she didn't know if she would ever feel that way about him. "But you might," I MSNed in reply.

"Isn't half the fun of love finding that out?"

She remained doubtful, but I stuck to my point. To me, finding out if you're in love is almost like a treasure hunt - the chest of buried treasure under the X on the map might or might not be there.

But the adventures you have in trying to find that X are just as important and exciting as the treasure itself.

Five years ago, I wouldn't have thought so. Then in a relationship with someone who didn't know if he loved me - but who loved spending time with me - I was heartbroken.

We eventually split, after which he told me he'd been in love with me but wasn't ready for something serious.

He told me I was the kind of person he'd want to end up with - just not now. So, I went about the business of hating him for hurting me for a good six months. And as I healed, I began to see that love takes time. People move at their own speed, deciding - in their own time - how they feel.

And that's okay, because if you look at the world with compassion, you also get to see that everyone does the best they can in life - which means they're not out to purposely hurt you.

And viewing someone as withholding love can be as damaging as them telling you they don't love you at all. It may be frustrating to wait.

But if you see it as an adventure, then it's part of the excitement, isn't it? And waiting doesn't mean you can't enjoy the person's company. You just have to be less attached to the outcome of your investment.

Which is why, when I began dating my current boyfriend, I took it easy. He told me that he usually takes five years to tell someone he loves them. I buckled down for the long wait and, in the meantime, I told him that I loved him anyway.

It didn't take him five years to decide how he feels about me.

It took him two. And now, a year after his declaration of how he feels, we are still exploring the different ways of how we can express that love. I'm pleased to report that it's still an exciting adventure.

We aren't treasure-hunting any longer. It feels as though we've found the gold, and are in the process of lavishly spending it.

The thing is, the experience of being in love defies all our expectations, all the time. That's what it's supposed to do. And really, would it be fun any other way?

myp@sph.com.sg