UP UNTIL the mid-20th century, a double-income family was almost  unthinkable. Traditionally, the man was the breadwinner while the woman stayed at home to care for the kids.

Today, given the rising cost of living, as well as better opportunities for women at the workplace, dual-career families are increasingly becoming the norm.

About 44 per cent of married couples in Singapore comprise two working spouses, a rise from 27 per cent in 1980, according to a study by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports. However, many dual-income couples face an imbalance in work and home life. Marriage counsellors say couples fight most frequently about not spending enough time with each other.

Ms Jennifer Chee, counsellor and manager at aLife, which provides counselling and marriage preparation courses, says that about half of her clients have work-life balance issues.

Many find that they bring stress home. Others are caught in a vicious circle: To maintain a certain standard of living they  have to work long hours, thus having less time at home. Counselling director Karen Gosling at Gosling International adds that as a result, people would rather stay at work - where they are respected and recognised - than go home to a spouse who nags for not spending time at home.

Marriage counsellors share these tips to resolve the issues:

Set a time to talk about what's working in your relationship and what's not.This creates a safer space in which both parties can feel respected and listened to.

Don't complain about what your spouse is doing wrong. That often leaves them feeling attacked, and solves nothing. Instead, say "I" instead of "you". Say "I feel neglected when you don't come home for dinner" rather than "You don't care about me since you never come home for dinner".

Identify what you need from your spouse. Some people may need physical touch or gifts to feel connected; others may want more time together.

In the latter case, make agreements to spend one day a week together, or come home early two nights a week just to be with each other.

Alternatively, set up time during the work day to call each other. Whatever makes you tick, tell your spouse. Sometimes that can take trial and error, so be patient.

Don't bring home stress from work. Take a long bath or sit in the car or house listening to music before talking about your day to your spouse.

Relaxing and restoring yourself will have you actually conversing with your spouse, instead of dumping your complaints about your day on him or her.

myp@sph.com.sg