Parental Guidance
chingl@sph.com.sg

MY school certificates ? missing for two months ? have been found hiding in a
box, sitting next to the Significant Other.

(I did not look in that box because he had told me that "it's all my stuff,
don?t touch it.")

So, armed with the certificates, I am ready for Primary One registration.
Or so I think.

Am I ready for the world of marks and exams and benchmarking?
I?m fiercely competitive myself, so am I ready to be the relaxed, encouraging
and accepting mother I want to be?

What are the three things that I think most important NOT to do? Here is my
list of resolutions.

1. Don't fall into the numbers trap.
I had lunch with a university professor the other day and he told me that he
had to set a target for his department each year, in terms of publications.
He set what he thought was a realistic one, and the department met it.
The next year, he was asked for a new target.

"What's this?" he said. "I am not going to play this numbers game with you, I
am not a car salesman, hitting this number or that one!"
He remained implacable.

So, I should remember ? I am a mother, not a car salesman. I should not care
about hitting 90 per cent, or making 100 for maths, or top positions in class.
I won't take the easy way out and substitute test results for a true evaluation
of my kids.

As a teacher, as the Ministry of Education, dealing with thousands of children,
I know that "digitising" them is the most coherent form of interaction.
As a mother, with all of three babies, I ought to be able to see where their
talents are, what they don't understand about the world, and help them along.

Numbers should not count for very much.

2. Don't count on "quality time".
Is it true that the more time you spend with your kids, the better the
relationship? I don't know.

Many studies have shown that it is not so much the time you spend with
children, but what you do during that time that matters.
But now, I tend to think differently.

I used to think that spending 30 minutes fruitfully with my first-born daughter
was good enough. So when I came home from work, I would try and cram everything
I could within that time.

When she was less than a year old, I would teach her with flashcards, sing to
her, read a book, run through some rhymes. I would count her fingers, read her
William Blake and Auden.

Putting her to bed ? sitting beside her when she was drowsy, and murmuring to
herself ? was not quality time, so I left that to the maid.
I would do other more "productive" activities ? go for a swim, watch TV, have
dinner with friends.

Then, I found out that sometimes, my little girl didn't want to learn or play
or sing. She just wanted to hug and giggle within our allocated time slot.
She grew closer to the maid because she could whisper all her little secrets to
her, and fall asleep hugging her neck.

I found the same with my two sons ? they can't switch on and interact with you
"on demand". Affection and comfort can't be had with 30 minutes of intense
interaction.

Children can't be a slot in your diary. They need to be your diary.

3. Don't forget to say "I love you".
The kids sometimes sleep with us, and they like to make pronouncements when
they first wake up in the mornings.

My son once said: "I had fun at the party yesterday." This morning he said:
"Wow, my eyes are sparkling!"

My daughter said: "I like you mom. Because you are nice." Or more scary things
like:"Don't go to work today, mom."

The littlest guy, just 18 months, can't say much yet but he knows when you are
calling his name and when he has to give his input.

One of our favourite exchanges goes like this.
"Fung fung!"
"Hmmm?" he replies.
"Do you know mommy loves you?"
?Emmm,? he says, affirming it. He nods, not by moving his head but his entire
upper torso. It's a vigorous yes, I take it.

It's easy to say "I love you" to a little toddler who is obedient and smiley.
It becomes harder as they grow older - when they are rebellious and
indecipherable. When they yell blue murder when it comes to going to school.
When they refuse to paste the little legs on the caterpillar, to draw a picture
of their family, to get along with their siblings - remember to say "I love
you".

Because, of course, you do.