Relationship and marriage speakers Bill and Pam Farrel, authors of Men are like Waffles - Women are like Spaghetti , were in Singapore last weekend for a Social Development Unit's seminar, It's a Date! 2007. AsiaOne catches up with the husband-and-wife team for tips on building successful relationships.

Q: What are three of the most common things that men/women do wrong on a first date?

Bill: One, they don't talk. They have a hard time knowing what to talk about. They have a hard time knowing how to keep a conversation going. I would encourage men to think ahead of five or six questions you want to ask on a first date.

The second thing they do wrong is that they don't prepare accordingly. A lot of times, they just show up. They wouldn't have thought through, "What am I going to wear? Where we're going to go? What are we going to do?"

The third thing is that they push too fast. They don't even want to get to know her. They have an agenda, like wanting to have a friend for the night, or maybe they have ulterior motives. Things move too fast and the girl feels like she's being taken advantage of instead of being valued by this guy.

Q: What are three of the most common things that men do wrong on a first date?

Pam: I think on the first date, they sometimes have unrealistic expectations. They think that it's going to be all romantic right off the bat. They forget that the really great relationships are friendship-based, rather than just being all about romance.

Then, I think they sometimes talk to their girlfriends more than they talk to the guy they're going out with. And so, it becomes more of a status thing, rather than really caring about the guy, what he's thinking or feeling.

Lastly, sometimes girls have a hole in their hearts and they think that giving away their sexuality would somehow fill the hole in their heart. Unfortunately, it sets them up for more pain and more disappointment.

Q: What are the three most common fears that men/women have on a first date?

Bill: Without a doubt, the number one fear is the fear of failure. Because they're afraid they're going to go out and get rejected, they're afraid they will say things that are dumb, that it's not going to work with this person. And often they will avoid the whole situation because they don't want to feel that fear.

Second, they have a fear that they're not going to know how to carry on a conversation. It's real common for men to look at women and see them talk all the time. They're really good with words, and the guy feels, "I don't know how to keep up with this." So he just feels he is inadequate in this whole area.

And third, it's real common for men to think that women expect too much, that women have too many things going on, that they have too many needs. So men often, ahead of time, think it's not going to work, so their confidence level is real low. They end up saying things that communicate that their confidence level is real low. And she's not attracted to him because he is lacking in confidence.

Pam: I think one of the first fears that they have is that it won't go any further. Women really do long for connection, and so most women are hoping that this is "the one".

And the second fear is the fear of being abused. They think, "things didn't work so great in a past relationship and so, this guy is probably a bum too". And so there is mistrust right off the bat, which is not healthy for a relationship. So a lot of times, women need to step back and heal their hearts first before they go out on any more dates. Personally, I took a dating "sabbatical" for a year because I was too addictive to guys. I needed to get my priorities straight. I needed to heal my heart from a negative relationship. That way, Bill, when I ended up meeting him, he didn't pay the price for another guy's bad mistakes.

And the third fear is the fear of looking and sounding stupid. Nobody likes that.

Q: When is it okay for a guy to touch a woman?

Bill: All healthy relationships are defined. So if I have a relationship with Pam that we've defined as just a friendship, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to touch her because we're just friends. If on the other hand, we've defined together that we're in a dating relationship, then it becomes appropriate to hold hands and to hug. If we get engaged and we say, "We're going to commit the rest of our lives to each other", then it's appropriate to be more physically in contact with her. When a man touches a woman, she thinks he loves her. So he creates emotional turmoil if he's not ready to follow through and commit to her.

Pam: There's a sort of power in physical touch. So I do think we should be cautious. One way to communicate that you're interested in a man would be to touch him in an appropriate way, like a pat on the back or touching his hand slightly. That communicates, "I think you're a great person", and it's still healthy and within boundaries.

Q: Let's say you are already in a steady relationship. How do you keep the passion alive?

Bill: What causes passion is growth. So if you are growing as an individual, you're reading and learning interesting things, you are doing interesting things in life that you can talk about. And it's important that you learn how to communicate at a level that's emotionally satisfying. Often, we just report the news to each other: "I did this, I did that. I heard this at work." That ends up becoming kind of routine. But if you talk about what excites you, your dreams in life, your goals and what it would mean for you to accomplish your goals. Those things keep you in an interesting place. And it causes relationships to keep growing. Find ways to grow like attending seminars or learning through books.

Pam: And also, interview each other and talk about what is fun and romantic to you. Have an interview and create a list of 10 dream dates or fun things that you would like to do and trade the lists. Then, if you want to surprise your girlfriend or boyfriend, you already know what they'll love. Plan your dates ahead of time and plan in new experiences. Shared memories build stronger relationships.

Q: What are the top three traits that men/women find attractive?

Bill: Every man likes something different in women. But in a kind of universal sense, the most attractive trait to men is confidence.

Second is body type. Every man has a body type he's attracted to. Some like taller women, some like their women a little rounder. It really comes down to individual preference. But the key to it is confidence. If a woman takes care of herself in a way that says, 'I'm confident about who I am", that draws men to them.

The third thing is the smile and eyes. Because the eyes give the sense that there is life here: "I'm excited about life, I'm motivated, I'm fun to be with." And a smile always says, "It's good to see you." So a woman who doesn't have a sparkle in her eyes, who has a frown on her face, isn't going to attract many men to her.

Pam: He's a great listener. Because women tend to feel valued when they're listened to. Because he really takes time to care about her world.

The next is kindness. It's very interesting what women think is sexy. For instance, "he helped me with this, or he carried my bag so I didn't have to". Sometimes, simple kindness says very loudly that I'm interested in you.

And all around the world, a guy with a job is very attractive! (laughter)

Q: I've forgotten her birthday/the anniversary of our second date and now she's mad at me. Why are such things important to women?

Bill: All these things are important to women because women want to feel secure. They want to feel valued. Somebody just told me the other day, as long as she feels like she's number one, the world is good. If she feels like she fell to second place, her life gets all stirred up and becomes a turmoil. And so the key is finding a way to communicate to her that "you are valuable. If I could make you the queen, I would". The good thing is you'll always have a second chance. You'll always have a third chance, a fourth chance. So even if you blew it, there's always a way to recover.

A little advice to men: It's good for men to choose the issues we're going to respond to. Like if we decide, every year on her birthday, I'm going to respond. Every year, on her anniversary I'm going to respond. Don't think you have to respond to everything. If you give in to all of them, she'll start thinking you don't have a backbone. The other things, I'm going to let her know they're optional. I may or may not respond to them. If you tell her, I'm not going to get you anything for this one, she'll be upset at first. But in her heart, she'll think, "Wow, what a man! He even stood up to me."

Pam: Saying you're sorry is a really attractive trait in a guy. Own your issue and say, "I'm sorry, I blew it. Please forgive me." I'll still fall in love with you because you owned your issue. The key is just communicating. Communicate your expectations. For example, a guy can communicate that "all that feels unrealistic to me, I would rather save the money and do something really nice for you once a year".

Q: Should a man invite a woman to his place on the first date?

Bill: As soon as you invite her to your place on the first date, and it's just the two of you, she's immediately wondering what he's up to. And so the whole night is lived under suspicion at that point. And if you have to spend time under suspicion, the ends of that relationship are not going to be very good. And we think sex is a great thing. It's a great gift to marriage and it has enhanced a lot of relationships; but it can create great hurt. The more you protect it; for the person you commit to, the more valuable it is and the less complications you will have in your life now.

Pam: No! (laughter) In fact, we encourage couples to date in public places because it's just easier and safer. You have that kind of boundary so you're not going to fall into some kind of temptation or violate each other's personal values or convictions.

Q: Why does she want to tell me everything about her day? Even all the details about her visit to the dentist?

Bill: She wants to connect all of her life to those she love - so all the details are important for her to communicate.

Q: When I ask him about his day, it's always "good", "not so good", "so so", etc. Is he hiding something from me?

Pam: Men shorten their answers to make life simple.

Q: Why does she get angry when I look at other women? I'm not interested in any of them - only just looking.

Bill: It is offensive to a woman to feel like she is second to any other woman in the eyes of the man she is dating. Turn the tables, what if she always compared your car, salary, job to other men's? Men would not like that much either.

Q: Why does he keep checking other women out, even when I know he likes me a lot?

Pam: Men are driven by their hormones and are easily stimulated visually-- all guys struggle with this, even the good ones. One wise relationship mentor of ours once said, "Look once, that is nature. Look again, that was a choice." A man can choose to not look and stay focused on the woman he is with.

Q: Why doesn't she just tell me outright what gift she wants? It's tiring to have to keep guessing.

Bill: We don't think it is wise for a woman to set a man up for failure in the area of romance. If he asks, "What would you like?", a woman should give some ideas or her favorite web sites - or at least the phone number to her sister or mother or best friend so a guy has a chance of pleasing her. Of course, a wise man will take mental notes when he is with a woman if she says, "I love this or that." Then later, he will know what pleases her.

Q: Why did he get me the wrong gift after all the hints I dropped him about what I wanted?

Pam: If a man gets you any gift at all-- be grateful! Look at his heart and his effort, not just the gift!